For your reading pleasure, and to honor the month of my wife's birth, I am going to share a story I wrote for her before we began dating. It is not my usual fare by any means so be warned. It is my attempt to try out comedy by mocking fairy tales. There are now four such stories in existence, and if no one minds I will share them one by one for the reader's pleasure. Again, you have been warned; this was a deliberate effort to be nonsensical and whimsical. There is no sobriety beyond this point...
Act One: Gillian’s story
Once upon a time in a kingdom far, far away, there lived a radiant princess in a shining castle. She was college educated and very sensible, and often wondered why her castle shined all the time and no other building anywhere in her kingdom did. Secretly she feared that her parents made the castle shine because they were afraid of the dark, so without thinking twice on the matter she went out to find a job so she could help support her parent’s light bill. It had to be a huge light bill to keep an entire castle shining day and night seven days a week.
Anyhow, the princess woke up one morning, had her bubble bath, pony ride and consultation with her magic mirror (which always had an image of Fabio waving his hair about when it spoke) and set off to the village. When she entered a shop the owners would beg her not to have her father behead them or raise their taxes, which she thought was bizarre. And she couldn’t get within one hundred feet of someone without them falling to their knees and bowing before her. It was awfully sad because people working in high places would do this as well, and then they would slide off their roof and break something vital, and they would make the most vexing noise.
So finally she stopped someone from bowing and asked how they knew her for royalty. The peasant replied, “My lady, I am a simple beggar, clad in street raiment and covered in filth, but you are perfumed and clean, clad in fine silk and shimmering pearls, with teeth that are very white and hair that is so long that it takes four grown men to carry it for you. Your gown trails through the street thirty feet in your wake, and magical scampering mice are everywhere, chewing on fruit and food, and small children when they’re sleeping, which is highly unsettling. Plus you have a large, fat man blowing a trumpet and declaring who you are before you enter a shop or residence, so it is easy to discern your identity.” The princess considered these words, and relied heavily on her aforementioned college education to deduce an answer.
Firstly, she set free her mice, who magically scampered away and devoured all the crops in the village, creating a minor blight. Then she had her trumpet man put to death for announcing her presence to everyone. Finally, she found a nice, cool mud hole to jump in, and became utterly filthy. This, she surmised, was an excellent way to escape notice. She then entered another shop, and the owners within were taken aback by her. “My lady!” one mane screamed in alarm, “what in heaven happened to you? Why are you clad in silk and shimmering pearls, smelling of fine perfume and dripping from head to toe in mud?” They looked past the princess, to the men still carrying her hair for her, and became irate. “Fiends!” they cried, “You dare drag this young woman of proper breeding through the mud by her hair? Stone them!” And without further ado they were chased out of the village by an angry, torch wielding mob of peasants. In the meantime the princess continued her hunt for employment.
Meanwhile, back at the castle, the king and queen, half blind from years of living in a shining castle, began to wonder where their daughter had gone off to. The king fetched his guards, and asked if they knew of her presence, and the men informed the good king that she went to the village to find a job. “My daughter is getting a job?” the king asked. “I told you that sending her to Harvard was a bad idea!” the queen ranted at him, “Now she’s going to be filthy rich and have life experiences! What self-respecting prince will ever marry her?” The king became very angry and commanded his guards to find her at once. “My daughter will not have any life experiences if I can help it! Guards! Bring her back, along with her magical mice, trumpet man and four hair carriers! Do not fail me!” The guards departed, on their quest to find the missing, tomboy princess…to be continued…?
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