Princes Story: Party of Three (Part 3)

Chapter One: Nursery Rhyme Mayhem.

            Once upon a time, in a kingdom far, far away, there was a five lane freeway running beside a shining castle. It was made of shimmering asphalt and glittering iron rails, that were in fact so radiant that some of the drivers going past temporarily went blind, drove off of the freeway, and crashed into the side of the shining castle, lodging their poor vehicle in windows, or drawbridges, or other such inconvenient places. That was why the Radiant Princess had a hotel built beside her shining castle, complete with a towing service and an auto repair; not to mention there was a convenient Burger King right along the way for stranded motorists to eat at while they were in traction.

Despite the fact that the princess found it wonderful that new friends would simply drop in, it was very unsettling that they would oft-times drop in her public fountain, or her royal swimming pool. One time a car lodged into her father’s window, and he was convinced that aliens had come to abduct him. He climbed to the pinnacle of their highest tower and held on for dear life, until finally the fire department had to be called to bring him down. When the firemen came near him, he meowed and hissed, and then tried to bite one of the poor fellows, so they both went tumbling off of the tower into the royal greenhouse. The Radiant Princess was awfully relieved that there were so many fine rose bushes growing there to break their fall.

            One day, from beneath the underpass came an assembly of misfit subjects within the princess’s kingdom. They sought an audience with the Radiant Princess, in order that they might pass through her kingdom on a great journey. Intrigued, the princess had them escorted into the throne chamber. First came a bouncing cat that appeared to be trapped inside of a violin. The poor, miserable creature’s body was stuck inside the trunk of the instrument, so that only his furry little head protruded, and with forced little hops he was introduced into the throne room. “Hear ye, hear ye! Hey diddle diddle!” exclaimed the chamberlain, “The cat in the fiddle!” The princess scratched at her chin in sagely consternation, wondering who the owners were, and why PETA hadn’t been apprised. The poor thing stopped before her throne, tried to bow, and fell flat on his face. Next, there was thunderous commotion. Her castle rocked little and little, as a booming force came ever nearer, and the princess spied from down the hall a fat, black and white cow leaping in great bounds, but each time the vaulted ceiling of the hall would stop his ascension, and he would careen headfirst into the stonework, raining down debris and scads of fur. Finally he crashed full force into the far wall of the throne chamber’s entrance, and then staggered drunkenly inside. “The cow jumped over the moon!” Following closely on the heels of an apparent victim of mad cow disease was a small dog with shaggy fur. He chortled as he entered the chamber, and then burst out laughing when he spotted the staggering cow, shrieking and guffawing until he could barely breath, and the princess had to order one of her soldiers to administer CPR to him. “The little dog laughed to see such a sight!” cried the chamberlain again. And lastly came an animated dish of enormous size. He was six feet tall, and, of course, equally wide, so when he tried to run through the threshold he failed, collided with the door posts and fell straight away on his back. Fortunately the floor was carpeted. Jumping back up and staring with suspicion at everyone in sight, he turned sideways, slipped through the door of the throne chamber, and darted behind the stumbling cow, coveting a small spoon that he a cradled like one would an infant. “And the dish ran away with the spoon!” trumped the chamberlain one final time.

            “Good heavens,” the princess pronounced when they assembled, and her children cowered in abject fear behind her throne, “Why do you clutch that spoon so tightly, master dish?”

            “I’m the rightful guardian of this spoon!” the dish declared, “And one day, while his brother Little Fork was walking along the road, some psycho came along and kidnapped him! I have to protect my spoon!”

            “Very well, why have you sought out an audience?” she inquired of them. “Because of the giant mountain in your backyard,” the laughing dog told her. “It’s the Mountain of Life’s Answers, and we are going to venture up yonder mountain, and learn why we have been cursed with such an insipid lifestyle! I’ve almost died from suffocation nineteen times this month alone from laughing too much!” The cat chimed in, “I hate fiddles! I don’t even know how to play one, and my back itches! Argh!” The dish agreed. The princess looked from them and cast a kindly eye to the cow, “What of you, master cow?” The cow glared at her with eyes that jostled in his head like Cookie Monster. “I lick flees!” he screamed, and then blacked out. “So this mountain reveals the meaning of life?” the Radiant Princess repeated. They all nodded agreement, except the cow, who was just drooling profusely. “Very well, you may go! Who knew we had a giant mountain in our backyard? I too will venture to this mountain with my husband, and my dear old friend, Sven! Perhaps I too shall find the meaning of life!”

            And so the Radiant Princess departed from the shining castle with her husband to fetch Sven, and to climb the Mountain of Life’s Answers in her backyard (which she never knew was there, though it was the sole reason the freeway existed, because it was a popular tourist attraction). To be continued…