Act Four: The Empire Strikes Back Really Hard!
Now that the princess and the sword wielding peasant found the yellow block road they followed it, singing and skipping all the way. Their voices rang gaily through the land until they stopped and looked at each other. “What in the world possessed me to sing like such an idiot, I wonder?” the princess said. “I don’t know, but those are some fetching slippers you have on. Are those ruby?” The princess looked down at her feet and grinned girlishly. “No, I just painted my feet that color so I’d never have to wear shoes! Everyone’s fooled by them.” “Wow,” the peasant said, “That’s incredible. You must be a super genius.” The princess blushed. “I did attend Harvard.”
“But you flunked out!” came a voice from afar. Both of them jumped at the noise and the peasant hid behind the filthy remains of the princess’s skirts as they looked for the voice. “Who said that?” she asked aloud, her voice filled with command. “Is this the foolish scarecrow with the urinary problems again?” The sword wielding peasant pointed out a bridge made of creepy bones passing a river of molten lava. A rickety sign like a human hand pointed over it and read ‘certain death lay this way’. “I think it came from that way,” he told her. So they walked onto the bridge and found Queen Neverknow waiting for them. She laughed (for about ten minutes, until they had to clear their throats to make her stop) and then pointed at them menacingly. “You fools! I know about the princess now! She didn’t make it through Harvard! She couldn’t take the heat and ended up finishing her career in a no-name little college.” The princes gasped at the revelation. “How on earth did you learn of that, you fiend?” The evil queen chuckled. “I have internet access, and you can learn anything on the world wide web, silly princess! I have also brought your magical, plague causing mice with me, and they desire vengeance on you!” The swarm of cheerful, glossy eyed vermin swarmed over the bridge and they looked like an onslaught of furry skittles, so bright was their fur, and in so many wondrous colors. The sword wielding peasant raised his sword and pointed it back at her. “Listen! The princess pointed out that you are not even armed, and I could kill you without much risk to my own life, so you better relent and go back to Castle Neverknow, or your subjects will Neverknow what became of you!”
The queen became furious. “The only thing I hate more than threats are puns! Especially bad puns! Magical, rainbow-like mice, get them!” There were various tweetering, scampering and love song snippets hurled through the air as the mattress of love inducing, crop devouring mice charged for them. But the bridge broke right then, causing the evil queen to plummet to her doom in the lava very dramatically, where she thrashed and screamed and tore at her hair and spewed profanity (which I won’t relate here because children might be present) and did all manner of unsavory things before she sank under the lava. Then, a hundred miles away and for no particular reason, her castle exploded, ending her reign forever.
“Oh dear,” the princess exclaimed, “The bridge built of human bones is out. Now how are we going to get across?” “Have no fear,” the sword wielding peasant answered heroically. He strode over to the edge of the bridge and wedged his sword into the missing portion. As it happened, the heat of the lava massaged his hand enough to make him let go for the first time since toilet training. He walked over the three foot span of missing bridge and she followed, gasping when she tottered and might have fallen half way across. Then he held her in his arms and she looked into his eyes. “Did you really flunk out of Harvard?” he asked breathlessly. “Yes. I went to a community college. Does that make you think less of me?” The former sword wielding peasant smiled. “No. now I don’t feel so bloody stupid.”
They followed the yellow block road the rest of the way, until they found Happily Ever After, which looked strangely like Las Vegas. There they found the royal guard, along with Sven, outside a flashy casino. “Sven!” cried the princess. “What are you doing here?” The royal guard captain said, “We were going to drag him off and beat him all manner of odd colors, like those mice you used to have, until he told us he had a tip for the ponies! Now we’re all going to get rich! Wa ha ha ha ha!” They all walked off hand in hand, and the princess smiled brightly. “What a happy ending. So are we going to get married now?” The peasant nodded. “We sure are. Then we’re going to have many, many children and inherit the Shining Castle, and then only turn on the lights in the castle the we need to conserve on the light bill.” “That’s an incredible idea! But my parents are afraid of the dark.” “No matter,” the peasant answered. “They’re old. We’ll just wait until they’re dead.” So they linked hands and rushed off to get an impromptu wedding performed, and to live happily ever after, the Harvard educated princess (sort of) and the former sword wielding peasant, Burt. (Yes, that’s his name.)
Elsewhere, the poor scarecrow finally got down from his perch and rushed off to the nearest village, Nearby Village, to use the bathroom, only to find that three hundred magical mice were waiting in line ahead of him. “What’s going on?” he asked. A nearby villager looked confused. “Alfred, there’s a scarecrow wandering around and he just asked me what’s going on.” “Put him to work in the fields,” Alfred answered. So the villagers of Nearby Village got a new scarecrow, the happy couple got married, Sven got rich, and the evil queen was melted into icky goo. And they all lived happily ever after…?
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